unapolgetic
This morning, something happened. the breakthrough I did need - the one where i saw was still blocking me. spoiler; i wanted to be a victim.
I wanted to stay in that state because it was my way of getting justice. I reaffirmed, and reaffirmed and if someone wasn't seeing that reality, I would be even angrier. I wanted to stay and be in that sadness, romantizing depression.
I got so used to being in that - and I see that was blocking the wealth - the I can have it all mentality. I was sending the universe vibrations of anger, of hidden fear, of lack and victimhood. It was definitely running the mental show of my life. I was vengeful, then frustrated, then guarded, then oververtly humbled, then, but look - this is what happened to me. I told myself I can't receive more money because I wasn't letting come to me. I didn't think I was deserving. I didn't believe it. It was okay for me to justify to my anger because, I was a victim, I was blocked I was suffering and I loved it. And I didn't understand that I did that, that I loved being so hurt, having a reason to stay in that hurt, letting other people confine in that hurt, and holding on to it like my dearest friend, because it gave me the right.
It gave me the right to stay there, to not move.
So, in recent weeks, when I saw my reality and poor negative thoughts as glue, as mine, as guilt, as regret and trying to clean the stickiness with success - it all made sense.
It made my heart feel such love, but honestly so much. What if there is more? Where there is more?
I was mad and then I was mad that I let it affect it me so much. And then I mad that I was letting myself be a victim because I was still operating like a victim - someone that wanted compassion, to see how terrible, poor me, pity me, small me.
I was justifying myself so much - I'm allowed to feel angry, sad, frustrated - of course says the universe. Whatever you want, I give to you. But will you stay there?
It kept me stuck because I wanted to stay right there, small. When the abuse I dealt with happened, I didn't let myself feel what had happened. And I was angry at myself for it. Then that went to the other people in my life, not letting me feel how I wanted to feel either. It wasn't them that wasn't allowing myself to heal. It was me.
Even deeper than that, everything was that deep to me. So I couldn't move. I had to dig deeper and deeper at the mechanics of the universe regarding that.
As an actress, I'm an explorer, I'm a wonderer of the world. The truth is, I was letting someone else dictate my reality. Deeply. I identitfied with being a good girl and I had failed. I had identified with being untouchable, and I also had failed. So in the back of my mind, those realities were tained to me. Worse, I couldn't even be both good and untouchable.
Because I thought I had failed at being untouchable, what others were thinking started to matter to me. So much. That I was now dangerous, bad, junk, trash, terrible. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be seen as the best version of myself - self-development taught me I had to be exactly that that to get what I wanted -- yet still, I was getting what I wanted. And in other spheres of my life as well I was getting what I wanted. I just wasn't fully liberated and happy.
I now see where my immatury was leaking. I had to free myself from the reality I settled in and the one I had looked away from.
I am now living fully with my heart open. My reality is immediately changing because I am welcoming more love, more openness, more sight, facing my biggest fears that were showing up constantly. I now have more energy, more claritiy, a closer relationship with myself, more self-trust, more self-acceptance, more forgiveness and less fears. I decide I am out there. Living big.
With Love,
Cindy